LAMENTATIONS OF AN UGLY GIRL (VI)
It was then it hit me that I needed to learn how to drive. There I was going with Bola, who doesn’t drive herself home half of the time she goes to a party, I pinged my brother asked when he was going home.
“When did you finish your exams?” I asked.
“About 2 weeks ago”
“Will you teach me how to drive when I come?”
“Yeah, tell your mama say make she release her motor, in a month, you’d be Lewis Hamilton” he retorted.
“Okay” I ended the chat.
The awards show had started when we arrived, walking through to get a sest escorted by too many eyes, I caught a glimpse of Viv as I took my seat.
Scrolling through my pictures, dodging until I was sure their eyes have found another person to escort. No sooner had I lifted my heads up than I felt my phone vibrate. it was Vivian
“Where una dey?” she asked.
“Behind you, two seats to the left”
“Why did you guys come late?”
“Are we late?” I replied
“mumu, your Siamese nko?”
“She is here, wait I haven’t seen Liz at all ooo”
“She is in front with her albino concubine,” I giggled shifting Bola’s attention from the Acada pamphlet she was reading. She snatched my phone, read through the message then typed.
“You and Dan are in some baby making mood tonight”
The other replied with a surprised smiley “mumu, Bola I know it’s you o”
“Ok ooo me I’ll be playing Ciara ‘Body Party’ or Banky W’s ‘Lowkey’in the background for you o. I can only imagine”.
“STFU, Bola if I catch you”
“Ah don’t catch me ooo, you better catch all the things he’d be giving you instead of me”
“Onyi ara, get out”
“You get in and get ready”
“That was such a splendid performance from Snatch, the next award to be given is for female clique of the year and to present the award as the faculty president Action and his deputy Bisoye” jolted me out of my oblivion.
“Hi everyone we are to present the award for female clique of the year, “Without further ado, the nominees are” said the rich baritone accompanied almost immediately by his partner in a female subtle voice “Ivy League, Queen bees, Lines, Beisy Hoffs, Correct babes. And the winner is” she continued.
What really impressed me was that as our names were called, pictures of each clique kept scrolling on the projector screen *Eh! What DP stealers can do*
“Queen bees” the male voice shouted followed by round of applause “see them, queen bees indeed with their bulging stomachs begging for space in their gowns looking like pinafore” I said to myself as they climbed the podium. Wait hope you are not thinking I am hating o. *Ask Bola if you think I’m lying, I swear that’s how they looked*
Liz was the first person to stand up when Bola Philips was announced as winner of her category.
“Wey your albino?” Viv said as she got close to Liz, we all giggled. At least we no carry last, Vivian self win award too, and soon it was time to dance.
“Hey! Would you like to dance with me?” a well-dressed male specie said facing Bola.
“If she is cool with it,” she said after giving him a once over.
“Me ke, go and have fun” I said strutting my red painted fingers. *Before I turn to kill joy*. By this time, Viv was completely missing, Liz sef was out of sight. I sat there reading the tweets of the insomnia-infected people I follow, secretly hoping that one guy would come ask for a dance.
But wait, what human being with blood flowing through her ass(as appropriate) will not dance to Timaya’s ‘Ukwu’.
“I didn’t come here to be looking” I said to myself as I moved to the centre of the dance floor. Lip syncing, every word of the song, I was just revelling in my own world until I felt hands on my waist. At first, I thought not to move away but when I felt his Vuvusela (yes it was that large) pressing on my behind, I was so disgusted I had to move away without even looking at his face.
While trying to find a better area or a more polite person(whichever first), I caught a glimpse of Liz and Debo. He was talking while she was laughing so hard that she was hitting his shoulder. I wondered what part of Okafor’s law he was using that worked this good.
“Fire dancer, the way she move her body” *Wiz kid’s Roll it rolled me out of my thought. I moved towards Nkiru, my course mate, who also was dancing alone. Before we could say Jack Sparrow, she was stuffed in the middle of two guys and one was already at my back and another one was dancing towards me already. I tried to dance in between them for a few minute till the oxygen in there wasn’t enough and they weren’t even dancing more of touching illicitly and dumping their junk on my rump. I concluded it was a gathering of horny men, “did the ones at the brothel increase their price?” I asked as I went back to my seat, bumping my head to the songs all night until we left.
“Liz is calling me” Bola said trying to take off her shoes. The call didn’t last long. “She is at the gate,” she said before going out went out
“You can imagine the idiot, what nerve” Liz’s voice from outside the room.
“Oya sit down, what happened exactly?” Bola asked as soon as they get in.
“I said he was trying to get me drunk nii ooo so I’d be a story from one Miley Cyrus song in the morning”. I laughed, she always did that; making out of context comparison when she was angry.
Ignoring me, she continued, “The funny thing is that he just started touching me in the hall ooo. I no know wetin knock the shayo off my face o after, Jesus knows how many cups of whatever wey I don drink. Ah! Elizabeth,me hmm” she ended sighing and clapping like a typical Iya Rainbow anger scenes in those Yoruba movies.
“See you cho, cho, cho he touch, imagine, Guy carry you go dinner, pay your ticket, buy you Andre, pay your cab if e no buy petrol, u no come won give am kpekus to kpansh, you see say na either say u no get sense or you selfish, one of the two” Bola lambasted.
I couldn’t help but laugh at Bola reply because I knew a part of Bola was waiting for a story that could make one of those porn awards the next day and now that no story, she was partially angry.
“Why are you laughing sef?” Liz asked
“nothing nothing” I struggled to keep the air in my stomach in.
“It’s not funny ooo”
“You are selfish at least you suppose give am hand job nah abi blow job as per thank you” I played her game.
“You just waste the guy money, shay he feel the twins sha abi na Eli gan gan he touch straight” I continued
“Ode, just leave me joor I don’t blame you”
“tell us nah, did he play with the twins” Bola joined in.
“If una don tire, you go go sleep” she plugged in her earphones she knew she wasn’t going to hear anything until she said something.
The next morning before we woke up, Liz had made yam and scrambled eggs for breakfast or rather brunch. She never neglected her duties. Liz can cook for Africa. We all left our food as soon as Viv came in; our eyes popping and saliva drooling mouth, Viv told us.
If you hear Vivian story ehn! Lord have mercy. I don’t want to think about it, it always gets my oestrogen pumping.
First what do you think happened? Ikeji, is it fair for a guy to waste all him life savings and babe no even give am small action? The wickedness of (wo)Man 😐