(ARTICLES) Spoof

proud around you or mean or saucy or a downright bitch. You will always be there. Common word that the best friend uses: friend, love, trust.

  • The friendly monster: ordinarily he should be a best friend but he’s too mean for that. This person isn’t someone I go to for comfort or solace. I go to him for the cold hard truth. He never makes me feel better. If anything after talking to this person I feel distinctly worse. This person can also be found under the vain and proud category. But I’ve found that under the really nasty exterior is a good heart. Common word or phrases:  “die pls”,”k”, “dry hoe” and so on.
  • The boyfriend: needless to say, most of my life revolves around the person currently occupying this category. We have our bad moments, more than enough even, but we are still okay. Common word or phrases: “eat odun eat”, “evil child”, “Hun(when he’s prolly sleepy”
  • The vain ones: now these are the most superficial people I have ever met. If you are reading this and you have to convince yourself you aren’t one of them, you probably are. They love clothes. They breathe shoes. And they get jealous of TV adverts they don’t have. And try as hard and as fast as possible to get those things. And then call others vain.  They’re lovable but their clothes consciousness borders on the psychotic. I have quite a number of friends in this category. He read this after I assured him it was about him. Common words or phrases: “old”, “new”,”clothes”,”shoes”, “want”, “buy”.
  • The proud ones: now these people have been wanting me to be a part of them for so long. But in my humility, I refused. They’re smart, hot, fine whatever. Only problem is THEY KNOW. This isn’t good for anyone around them especially if you have little or no confidence. It’s what they do. They kill confidence, sap the little in you and add it to their massive ones. I love the way their minds work. Maybe I am one of them. Who knows? It is difficult to find their common words or phrases because they have that special ability to make everything sound proud. It’s like a super power. But common word is “I”.
  • The girls: these refer to that small select group that have my back and are actually girls, I love you so much. Another quality they have is to make my bad decisions look slightly good sometimes so I don’t jump off 300 floor. Common words: “forget”,” free”.
  • The mature ones: these people are the ones I go to for advice. They’re the truly grown up ones without whom I prolly would have fallen off of my track since. Thank you guys.
  • The hot ones: these are the ones that I feel it’s my daily duty to tell them they aren’t hot so they won’t get too big for their britches or mirrors in their case. The spend lots of time staring at their reflection get jealous sometimes but it’s alright. I’m smart. : p. they hardly talk. They just look. Mostly at themselves.
  • The friend you secretly like: currently no one but these category has to be here for future purposes. These kinds of people tend to walk in and out. Don’t ask me. Iono why.
  • The FWB: ok so this is one person who is a friend you may or may not have had stuff with. Yet it doesn’t get weird. He’s usually terrified of commitment. Quite a chicken if you ask me. But fun to be with. A little perverted, but aren’t we all. Common words or phrases: “make out”.
  • THE NERDS: or the geeks. Their name says it all. I am part of these people. We love to read. We think school is fantastic. Common words or phrases: read, books, marks, scripts, tests or anything remotely academic.
  • The spiritual ones: without these people around me, I probably would be on a fast track to hell or something. They keep me on track and try to make my God side grow. I know I make it hard guys, thanks for trying. Common word: the bible.
  • The pervs: he never misses a chance for a sexual innuendo.like he has this antenna that alerts him whenever a statement can be converted to a sexual parody…makes me laugh a lot. Makes me want to cry sometimes…he’s a mystery. Fancies himself a recluse. Wouldn’t even read this till I assured him it was porn. Common words: wet, hard.
  • The emotional one: he’s so in touch with his emotions beautiful but a little weird and dangerous if you are a guy…common words: hurt.
  • The exes: people say you can’t be friends with your ex…I say it’s a lie.but whatever I have friends and I like them to stay friends even if we break up. Common words: remember. Only problem they think they are cooler than the current boyfriend. What’s up with that?
  • The evil ones: these ones aren’t exactly proud or vain. They’re just simply evil. I’ve been known to join their ranks once or twice but never permanently. They make whatever you say sound stupid. Or worse empty. They bring your barely noticeable mistakes to light. And woe betide you if the mistake is grammatical…it is sharply munched and displayed via bbm. I would so like to name them but I like to keep you guessing. Common words or phrases: none. They just laugh at you till u want to die. Most Common Phrase: “COOL STORY”
  • The Athletic ones: what’s life without a view of these ones? The six packs and the tight butts.  Trust me I could look at them all day long. I and the girls spend time thinking and talking about this. I’m sorry nerds. I’m only human. Lucky for me though, the boyfriend isn’t slacking. All these ones talk about is sports. A little irritating? Yes. But apparently their devotion pays off. Common words: football, football, football and all football clubs anywhere but Nigeria. Wonder why that is.
  • The Crazy ones: these ones are a little difficult to explain. They do all these crazy shit and excuse it with “YOLO”. They crack me up. Some of the conversations we usually have:

Me: are you mad?

The crazy ones: armed robber will take your bra.

Me: a mad person will rape you.

I get them and they get me. They’re also supremely stupid. But they’re so lovable.

NOW LETS HEAR WHAT YOU THINK!

(ARTICLES) HELPLESS
(ARTICLE) Think First

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