Ever get to a point when “How(what) are you feeling?”, is the most trivial question to answer? When you check in to the hospital and the Doctor asks, “What do you want?”, “How do you feel?”, “Why are you here?”, and you just “Don’t Know”? When you just know you’ve been trying so hard to fight it but don’t even know what “It” is anymore?
You feel something, but you just can’t tell what it is anymore. You just can’t tell, is it Anger? Loneliness? Frustration? Hate? Pain? Guilt? Is it Depression? Confusion? Is it one? Is it all?
You want something, but what is it? Is it Love? Comfort? Happiness? A Hug? A Kiss? Someone to talk to? Someone to Understand you? Is it one? Is it all?
Back in Chemistry class I’ve always wondered how the test tubes and beakers felt, when elements become compounds and compounds become mixtures, when mixtures are further mixed then chemically ripped apart in a bid to selfishly “study” outcomes, the reaction, of the mixtures, of compounds, of elements, all whirling violently like a tornado.
So this is it, mixtures of several emotions, setting my heartbeat in motion, my life without expectations, my soul feeling these unexplainable oppressions, my mind running wild with questions, my face without expressions, my spirit wandering, without destinations.
Sleep has become a luxury, when the mind seeks a solution in too much of a hurry, what if I get hit by a lorry? Will they come back seeking a body, one the world can see them bury? Erect an effigy? Tell good tales and paint me as somebody worthy? Shedding tears in hypocrisy?
Oh no! Snap out of it! This is not a place for the mind to go…
“Stay Strong”, they say, may things not go wrong, I pray, but… just but.
I’m only human, the product of a man and woman, why do I feel i’m being treated inhuman?… Why am I here? Why are these things mine to bear? Why must I fight these tears?
Am I here? Or is this just a nightmare? Why should you care?
~ A Soul in Exile
Written By Ibrahim “@UnilagOlodo” Salawu