We back again! Last Tuesday we published the Prologue for Lamentations of An Ugly Girl and y’all just couldn’t wait for the first episode to drop.
Without further ejo riro(story), Enjoy #LOAUG Season1 Episode1!
LAMENTATIONS OF AN UGLY GIRL
With my bag and baggage, I bundled myself into a bus going out of Ibadan to school. Buried in my novel, I heard the driver call out “last bus stop” I packed my things off the bus and boarded the bus-shuttle into campus.
As soon as I got to my hostel room and unpacked, I pinged my girls, none of them was in school except Bola, so I decided to go to her place. I then called her
BOLA: T-lines how far?
ME: I dey ooo, you dey house?
BOLA: Of course, are you coming?
You must have noticed she called me T-lines there. Well, T-lines is the name Liz coined for me. It so happened that Viv went for a modelling audition and dropped my number as her other number. I was called and told that I was picked for the modelling job. Here I was telling my friends:
ME: they don pick me do model ooo!
LIZ: ehn model, na ONWARD u wan model for?
ME: I don’t get you (looking lost)
LIZ: your advert go sweet ooo, Lines, lines and more lines (pointing at my face)
VIV: na me o, my phone’s battery was flat
BOLA: (laughing) Tola lines
LIZ: no ooo T-lines
ME: una no well o
LIZ: T-lines for Onward model
Funny how that name has stuck with me since then.
“This Bola’s hall mate can like to do Aristo ehn”, I thought to myself as I breezed past an ash-coloured car in Bola’s off-k apartment. “Bola ooo” I called out at her door before knocking. “Girlfriend”, she said as she opened this door. Ehn ehn see Bola o, this girl is looking all fresh.
“You have been chopping all your popsy’s money abi see your skin, Ele to clean” I yapped letting my Ibadan ascent get ahead of me in this latter part.
“You don’t look bad either ooo” she replied. We caught up on gist (we don’t gossip anyways) *rolls eyes*munching the spaghetti and sauce she made. “Ehn Ehn, Bola, your hall mate don come nii?” I almost forgot. “No, she hasn’t, why did you ask?”
“Who now has the car I saw outside?” replying her question with another question. I could not believe my ears, Bola brought the car, (don`t get me wrong, not trying to underrate her but she should have told me something at least a hint).
“I just wanted to watch how you’d react,” she answered, dangling the keys. I opened my mouth to say something but I could only mouth a scream. We went outside and trust my Yoruba-bred-self to over-pray for her “Emi a lo, o ni fi gba eyan, won oni kolu e o, Bola” laying stress on the Bola as I sat in the driver’s seat fiddling with the steering wheel. As much as I am happy for her, I am happy for myself too oh! This means doubling of rep, escalation of shakara, rolling with big girl with big toy. We decided not to tell Vivian and Liz just to see their reactions too.
It could take only a surprise like that to make me forget my mission *007 like myself*. I had gone to her place with one aim only: to steal the black pumps I had seen on her DP three days earlier and anything else that catches my fancy knowing that there is always something to steal from a babe who changes her entire wardrobe every semester. Last semester, it was a brown boyfriend jacket
The next Friday when Viv and Liz finally decided to come to school, you should have seen Liz and her melodrama acting like the car was a baby meanwhile Vivian was like “nice, cool” *this girl like to form ehn* (don’t say I told you o).
“What if we all go and unwind before the semester wahala plus I just wash the car for you guys”. Bola asked
“That’s true, no be only wash you gats bath am sef” Liz replied, violently pushing the buttons on the car stereo in a frantic attempt to play music.
“Let’s meet at my place at say eight” Bola continued.
“We can always trust you to make a late entry, you look good anyways,” Liz said, immediately Vivian stepped in the room filling the air with her scent later that day.
“Leggo, let’s do this” Bola shouted dabbing on lipstick. Looking all decked up, we walked into the VIP section of one of the most exclusive bar/club around campus tailed by the eyes of others at the bar. Bola began to down the drink as soon as she bought the bottle. Soon she and Liz were dancing like witches under anointing while I was uploading pictures on almost every social media I was on.
“Stupid boy”, I said aloud about to type the words in reply to my brother who was teasing me about using my Aristo’s car as DP. Just as I clicked on the track pad, I felt someone tap my shoulder from behind.
“Hello” I heard the owner of the hand say in a rich baritone voice. I turned to look at him but I could not make out the face because of the dim lights in the bar. Before I replied, he continued asking if I would like to dance
“Depending on who is asking?” a little famzing won’t hurt now abi”.
“Who else, me of course” He replied laughing.
“Ok, let’s see” I stretched my neck to reach his ears because of the blaring music from the speakers. I could notice his tiny gold necklace as it glowed in the dark.
Time to finally practice my bathroom dance steps on someone, comfortably Skelewu-ing as Davido’s Skelewu was playing, I saw him smile, He sef try as he was quite a good dancer, we danced through, D’banj’s Raise your glasses and other tunes before Viv came to tell me that it was time to leave. We exchanged BBM
pins and God bless GLO, that night we became chatty. His name was Segun, Microbiology department’s social secretary, loves to watch football and meet people.
“Come down ooo” Vivian called me out of cyberspace. “Wait first, na Vivian drive” I thought to myself but was too engrossed in the chat to talk. We chatted about everything from politics to fashion to entertainment before I fell asleep but not before we chose to meet at the cafeteria the next day.
At around 10pm, the following day, I pinged Segun and told him.
Madam Tola Suave
Approaching the cafeteria in a bit
Hope you are still coming
A Sage named Sege
I’ll be there in a sec
Madam Tola suave
Okay already waiting ooo
After typing, I gave himself another once over, I try nah, pulling up the Sasha P look, which is my favourite anyways, with red jacket, white top and black jeans. I entered into the cafeteria after notifying him I was there. Just as I was about rummaging through my bag for my mirror and lipsticks, the red notification light on my BB caught my glimpse
A Sage named Sege
I can`t find you ooo
What are you wearing?
Madam Tola Suave