Hello, my name is Deji and I hate my life right now. This is supposed to be my goodbye letter to the world as I know it, and let me tell you; the world is a very bad place to be in. The world is wicked, it is dangerous, it is full of people who hate you; especially women. As I am writing this, the level of sadness within me knows no bounds and I am not proud to admit that I am weeping profusely right now. There is a razor, a bottle of Scottish whiskey and some lethal powder powerful enough to take out all your hair before me, and I am going to use these things to end my excuse of a life. You probably don’t understand why I’m so sad; I will start from the beginning.
You see, it all started when I was sixteen, I was in my final year in secondary school and going through the late stages of puberty. According to my teachers and family members, I was an early bloomer so as at that age, my voice had already acquired a quite scary baritone level and I had a substantial amount of facial hair. I was also very tall and muscular. Anyways, I spent the better part of my SSS3 year searching for a girlfriend, because the girls either feared me or didn’t like me. I heard people call me names like “Gorilla”, “African Santa” and “Prince Hair-ry”. It didn’t faze me though, because I knew I was a fine boy and I had the money to back it up. My parents pampered me enough to boost my confidence anew every day.
The first girl in my life was Yetunde. She was the assistant class captain and in the league of the popular girls in school. She was gentle and everybody liked her, she never discriminated between the intelligent students and the dullards like other people in her clique tended to. We never used to talk, except for the occasional ‘hi’ until one very fateful day. It was her birthday and in a bid to prove to her that I wasn’t just a gorilla, but a tender hearted and kind one, I bought her a gift. It was a care pack – one of those small baskets full of random crap that supermarkets sold around valentine, but never really finished selling so we unsuspecting nice guys could get one for our women around Easter.
I had waited till closing and timed her exit so I collided with her just as she rounded the corner leading from our class block to the gate. She jumped a little then smiled when she saw it was me and gave me the famous friend zone side hug – which I didn’t mind, because hey, at least someone thought of me as their friend. I handed her the basket, said happy birthday and watched, to my surprise I might add, her eyes become as big as saucers right before she hugged me – full frontal hug this time -, gave me a peck right on the lips and zoomed off. I stood rooted to the spot; what the hell had just happened? I thought you only pecked your boyfriend on the lips; I thought she didn’t even know my name. There were so many thoughts running around in my mind that day and the next day. After thinking for about two weeks straight as to why she kissed me, I figured it out; it was the gift. I danced and sang and almost cried for joy in that “eureka” moment; I had it all figured out now. All the girls in the world were going to be mine.
I didn’t waste a lot of time after that, I started buying stuff for girls generally; little inexpensive things that made them hug me – full frontal, with a little body squeeze sometimes – all the time, especially Yetunde, because she was the one who showed me the way. I kept buying her gifts, and then one day, she said yes. Yes, she literally just said that; just “yes”. I was so confused at first. I asked her to explain and she told me now that I bought stuff for girls a lot, all the girls wanted me, but she knew deep down that she was the first person I ever wanted. I was still confused until she reminded me that she was the first person I bought a gift for. “Does that mean we are now boyfriend and girlfriend?” I asked. I couldn’t believe my eyes or ears. Then she said yes again and leaned forward to kiss me and that was my first real kiss ever. Now ladies and gentlemen, this is where it really began.
The kiss was very weird at best, but it had made me feel more like a boss. I remember moving back a bit right after and asking her if she wanted to go again like I had seen some of my favorite actors do on TV. You can imagine my surprise when she suddenly brought her hand to her mouth and said she’d rather we studied. It was more than a blow to my ego; it was the one incident that changed my life. It was the beginning of what I’d like to call the dark dages – get it? Because my name is Deji and ages sound just like………… you know what, never mind.
So Yetunde and I had resumed studying that day and then for the rest of the school year, she avoided any kind of intimacy between us, especially kissing. She hated kissing me and it annoyed me sometimes, but I was getting used to just necking and doing other stuff. Right after our WASSCE exams, she called me and told me she was tired of our relationship. I begged and cried and bought lots of gift baskets, but she didn’t want me back and that was it. I moved on, forgot about the pain of high school, and started dating other people, although it never lasted past two months – I won’t go into all that because the story will be too long. I gained admission into the university and found my own clique too, they were exactly like me; confident, good looking and with crazy levels of excessive facial hair. We called ourselves the beard gang and I was the leader, because I was the hairiest (boss).
I dated a lot of girls and lived my life freely, until last Friday when I met Naomi. Naomi is one of the prettiest, most popular girls from the department of creative arts and she knows everybody, as in; EVERYBODY in the school. She’s basically the source of every rumor that has ever been passed around in this school. I never used to talk to her, because she constantly talks at increased decibel levels. But last Friday, one of my beard gang fam had this party and I had no choice but to attend. I noticed Naomi looking hot as hell the moment she walked in, but I decided to ignore. The music started playing and I stepped up to the floor to dance with members of my gang, and let me tell you; I am a badass dancer. I hadn’t danced for up to ten minutes when I saw a butt, a gyrating big ass butt in front of me. I lost the ability to think the moment I saw the butt and decided to acquire the owner, whether or not she wanted me. It turned out the owner of the butt was Naomi. This didn’t faze me at all; I decided to lay down my pride and talk to her, you know God hates pride, so I tried to get to know her a bit. I went to dance with her for a while and managed to get her out of the party, into my car.
At first, she didn’t say anything, just stared at my face for about twenty seconds then started laughing. I wondered why she was laughing, but I wasn’t so bothered. We got to talking and I found out I liked her a lot. She was warm and funny and surprisingly smart. When she asked if I was an only child, I was very happy. She was now interested in my family too, this was going so well. “Yes”, I said proudly, stroking my mane. “So you’re the only hair…… sorry, hair….. sorry….. the one who’s going to inherit all the money?” she asked. I wanted to feel insulted, but she looked honestly curious so I nodded. “Okay” she said “I’m going to try something real quick, don’t be offended.” That was all the warning I got before she grabbed me and kissed me. At first, I was shocked, but I settled quickly into the kiss and kissed her back with everything I had. Suddenly, she pulled back and stared at me, her expression a mixture of shock and joy. “I can’t believe this. Oh my God, I can’t believe it.” she said over and over as she stared at me and brought her hand to her mouth. “What?!” I asked a bit irritated, I didn’t get why girls always kissed me first then did the ‘I’m-a-very-shy-person’ hand to mouth thing.
The next thing that happened is why I’m here fam, why I’m holding this razor so close to my neck right now. Naomi brought out three strands of bear-bear hair form her mouth and started laughing, and then she got out of the car. Five minutes after that, everybody in the school was laughing at me. I could hear their joint laughter as I huddled under the blankets inside my fresh boy BQ room. They are still laughing now, and I can’t take it anymore. I thought I was gonna live this beard gang life to the end, but I can’t mahn. It’s just too hard. So with tears running down my face profusely and with immense regret in my soul, I have decided to shave today.
Peace and love
Signed; A former beard gang member