Stoner Diaries—Episode 1: Stoned Into Cleanliness


stoner diaries


Continued from here

“Forgive me, I’m wasted; I’m happy, I’m wasted. I’m feeling elevated…..” Vector’s voice boomed out of the speaker as he rapped the words that were fast becoming my mantra, anthem and pledge. It was 4:30pm and I had no more lectures for the day, so freedom. I nodded in tune to the music, deciding to let go of all my worries for the first time in about three days – trying to quit was really taking a toll on my mental health. Just yesterday, I looked at a guy and saw a blunt very much like the one I saw in my dream last week. I have been trying so hard to cut back on the smoking, but I can’t help myself.

My best friend….. No, scratch that; smoking buddy – KC came late to the joint today. Ha! Pun intended – and I was very angry with him. The joint is Dara’s – another friend/smoker – room, which was chosen because it was the last room in a long row of dorm rooms, and on the last floor of a five storey building. It practically screamed “smoking corner”.
“Guyyy, why na?” I asked him, the moment he sat down.
“No vex. Saw Reny on the way.” He replied.
“Who?” I asked a little confused.
“Morenike na, my ex.” He replied as if incensed that I didn’t get the point. He stretched his hand and motioned for me to pass him the joint I was holding. I gave it to him and focused on enjoying the slow buzz that was flowing through my body. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath; riding this high was going to be good, I could feel it.

“Shit! Wetin be this?!” KC said as he took a hit and Dara started to laugh.
“This one; o skrong” Dara said “Them dey call am Lakeside for street.”

I started to laugh as I watched the both of them, they were being so silly arguing over senseless stuff.
“Do you know that the theory of gravity is wrong?” I asked them suddenly as a new thought occurred to me.

“How so?” Dara asked willing to explore the science world with me; KC just shook his head and continued smoking.

“You know it says “what goes up must come down” right?” I ask
“Yes” Dara replies
“But look at that palm tree outside this damn window; that sucker just keeps going up. When is it going to come down?” I asked, confused.

“You know” KC finally started speaking “The theory refers to stuff that’s not rooted in somewhere. If we went out and threw the palm tree up, bet you 10k that it would come back down.” He concluded

“Not if you tied it up with a string though.” Dara said “Then, it would just pretend to come down, but it won’t.”
“Tied it up to what?” KC asked considering the idea
“The sky, duh.” I said and the both of them nodded, finally seeing the truth in what I was saying.

Suddenly, I looked around and it felt like I was inside a dustbin; Dara’s room was so filthy. I stood up and started picking books and cloth items and started shoving them into the small wall closet.
“What’s up?” KC asked
“This place is filthy.” I replied and he nodded, then joined me. A few minutes passed and Dara joined us.
We worked tirelessly; stacking books, flipping mattresses and folding clothes. After working for so long – I’m guessing two hours; we were done and sweating profusely. I huffed in frustration as I looked round the room; it looked even worse than it was when we started.

“We need to arrange this place again.” Dara said and picked up the mattress and started to dust it. I decided to sweep since I was the female in this gathering, so I picked up a broom from behind the door and started sweeping. KC decided to dust so he picked up a rag and started dusting.


I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was the time; it was 7pm. Right on the heels of that first discovery was the fact that I was holding Dara’s lemon grass plant – he’s studying Botany – and about four insects were crawling out of it and onto my forearm. I stifled the urge to scream and shook off the ants, then dropped the plant as if it was a cup of boiling water. I sat up and saw Dara kneeling and resting his head on his mattress which he hugged to himself; he seemed to be mumbling to himself, but I was too tired to even care.

KC, like me was sleeping on the floor and holding a pair of Dara’s boxers over his head. I knew for a fact that it was dirty, but I was too tired to reach over and take it off his head. I got up as I remembered what had woken me – hunger – but I regretted it the moment I stood, because the ants on the floor turned into giants and stood too.

It was in that moment I realized that I was really messed up.
“Shit” I muttered as I laid back down and closed my eyes.

I really need to stop smoking.

Click here to read next episode.



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