The House — Episode 1: The House Always Wins


Graphics By: @RollyKeysz
Graphics By: @RollyKeysz


I was so glad to get out of the cab at last, one thing I had learnt since I arrived Lagos about an hour ago was the notable difference between Lagos and Ibadan drivers. Lagos drivers were so disrespectful that you would feel they were actually doing you a favour and not getting paid for their services. I just paid the man his fees, collected my change and turned around to see if I was at the right address. Yep, it seems I am, the address says; 5, Soli Street and this was definitely number 5 judging from the number written boldly on the black gate in front of me. As for the name of the street, I didn’t know but the cab driver had said this was Soli Street.

I knocked on the gate and noticed it was opened, maybe I would just walk up to the main door and knock instead, I walked slowly in, looking around. It was a fairly big compound that had a one storey building sitting right in the middle of it, it was painted brown, the brown was still bright, and it must have just been painted recently. It had about 3 DSTV dishes hanging from the roof, hmmm! Some pretty comfortable people must be living in this house, I can’t even tell if it was a face-me-I-face-you apartment or housing flats. There was a door slightly left open staring right at me but I could not just walk in, I sighed.

Everywhere looked deserted and I silently said a prayer hoping Sesan would be home (Sesan is my cousin who I have come to Lagos to stay with while I look for a job). As I got closer to the building, I could hear faint noises coming from within. The closer I got the louder it became, it seemed like people arguing or more so fighting actually… errr what should I do now? I can’t just walk into a house that I knew no one. Strangely, the noise now seemed to be coming from the back of the house. I started walking in that direction, as I turned a corner I could make out a smaller building at the back of the main one, saw a small crowd cheering, shouting and screaming.

No one noticed me, it seemed they were all so engrossed in what was going on in the middle, I kept walking towards them hoping to catch a glimpse of what exactly was going on that had everyone so excited. Gradually I could make out two ladies having a go at one another, they were both almost naked one only had her panties on and my God, her boobs were massive. The other had something that I believe was once a bum short but now was more like a half-pant and a T-shirt that was obviously on for the last day. My eyes returned to the girl with the big boobs, I could feel blood rushing to my dick but to think about it properly, no one was making any attempt to stop them; what kind of  place was this?

“If she no gree, bite her well… she dey mad?” shouted a short guy that was standing close to me, he had only his boxers on and judging from the bulge in it, he was enjoying the show as much as I was too.

“Princess, please stop this na! I will give you money for another one,” a man was saying from the other side of the fight and yet he wasn’t making any move to get in-between the fight. He was smartly dressed with a suit and tie to boot, cleaned-shaved too. Looking around I thought to myself what was someone dressed like that doing here?

“Beat am well”

“Omo comot her pants jor!”

“See boobi toh bad!”

These and more were the chants going on around me, I was finally able to pull my eyes away from the naked breast in front of me and started scanning the crowd to see if I could get Sesan. Not looking too far, he was on the other side of the fight with his shirt thrown over his shoulder and a couple of naira notes in his left hand. He was sweating profusely and I began to wonder who these people fighting were, I started making my way round the crowd to the other side of the fight, in my haste to get to Sesan I accidentally stepped on someone’s foot.

“You dey mad?!” came a loud voice as I looked at the huge guy I had stepped on. He was about 6 ft 3, and had sure as hell been working out, I quickly mumbled and bowed my head in respect before another fight or beating started. He didn’t even hear me, he had turned back to continue enjoying the live smackdown vs raw going on in front of him, I was grateful for the distraction and continued my round trip. I was almost close to patting Sesan on the back when a voice rang out, “Stella dey come, Stella dey come!!!” The speed at which everyone dispersed was unimaginable, I just couldn’t understand, even the combatants took off. Some people were heading to the main building which I just noticed had back entrance that led to the smaller one, the others including the combatants were rushing to the smaller building. A few others were making their way to a well that was at the far end of the compound that had a few buckets surrounding it, only the man on suit and tie and I remained, he was shaking his head sorrowfully while I adjusted my backpack and started wondering which direction Sesan had taken off in.

While we were still standing there, each with his own thoughts a lady came by, she was quite tall and had full hips with smalls boobs, she was wearing a mini/macro (or whatever they call it these days) skirt and a top that had LOVE ME written boldly across it. She was sporting a low cut hair-do and she was walking straight towards us, I adjusted my 6 ft 1 frame as she got closer.

“Yes, who are you and what are you doing here?” was the first thing that came out of her mouth. I looked at the man standing next to me pretty sure the question was meant for both of us, but apparently I was wrong. He was still with his thoughts and wasn’t paying any attention to the lady.
“Excuse me, are you deaf or dumb? I asked a question.” Was she mad or stupid? How could she just talk to a stranger that way?

“None, I am fine but you are quite rude!” I blurted out. Her facial reaction changed and I believed she wasn’t used to been shut down…


“Oh boy, dis Stella of a girl na weyreh oooo… why would she show up at a time like this? wey I don put money down on Yemisi head” I hissed. “This girl must be sick, no be her fault sha, if no be say na her papa build the house I for don beat am teytey, shet I forget my bucket for well side” I hissed again and stood up, I was still holding 700 naira the bet money. Let me go and get my bucket first before this money tempt me pass gauge. I stood up and put my shirt on, I had taken it off in solidarity when the fight between Amaka and Yemisi started. I was still sweating like a guinea pig, wetin money go cause ehn! I opened the door and stepped back outside. There was Mr Obinna still standing there like a truck hit him and there was the stupid girl Stella dressed to kill as usual, I hissed again. I wonder who the unfortunate guy standing in front of her with backpack was, I got my slippers on and started walking towards them, abi another fight wan start ni? Same noni. The guy sef looks kinda familiar, as I moved towards them my brain was tingling.

“How dare you talk to me like that?! Do you know who I am?” Stella don dey make mouth again…

“I don’t think I care and that I even wanna know who you are…” Oh boy, it was my cousin Bode talking. When did he arrive? And wetin concern him and Stella?

I quickly walked towards them, I always wanted to slap this Stella of a girl and Bode just seem to have provided the right opportunity. As I got closer I noticed Uti standing at a distance looking at the proceedings. Fuck, I neva understand wetin be this guy problem, every time Stella is around he goes into protective mode, I hissed again…

This girl must think she’s dealing with a JJC, though truth be told I am a one; this was only my second trip to Lagos in history but that didn’t mean I was going to back down. I just wasn’t brought up hitting women, I actually felt like slapping her. I adjusted my backpack while she ranted again, I wanted to walk off and ask someone where Sesan’s apartment was when I noticed him walking towards us. He had his shirt on now but was still sweating, I moved closer to him…

“Morning bro… Didn’t know your apartment”

“Oo its nothing, how ur waka na?” he said

Though I had turned my back on the ranting girl, I was pretty sure she was fuming. I didn’t care, I had seen who I came to see. He patted me on the back as we started walking towards the smaller building.

“Who is that girl?”

“Ooo,that is how landlord’s daughter”

Landlord’s daughter??? I took a deep breath, little wonder she had seemed so confident of herself. I hoped I hadn’t crossed the line too much but from Sesan’s behaviour it seems they are used to her attitude. I sighed and bent to take off my footwear as we got to Sesan’s room. Well maybe if I get to see her later on I might apologise or something.

“Well this is my room o. It’s small oo but comfortable bajebaje.” Sesan’s voice brought me out of my thoughts. I looked around the room there was a big bed occupying a corner of the room, a television set right across it with a DVD player and a Playstation 2 console lying by its side. Another corner of the room had a table and chair, and all these were on a wine-coloured rug. It all looked comfortable as he said, and small. Well, I was here now…





The House — Episode 2: Land Of Worries
Stoner Diaries—Episode 1: Stoned Into Cleanliness


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