Independent—Episode 8: How To Woo A Lady





“…… just dey groove oh oh, oh oh oh; and get in the music. In the musi..ic.” I sing along to one of my favorite songs of all time and dance as I adjust my appearance in the mirror. I smile again and smack my lips; I do look good if I say so myself. I have been working out more than usual recently – thanks to Iyke and Bibi, so my stomach is slate flat once again, and my legs are all sporty and shapely. I put on one of the big sweaters that make me look fat all the time; it’s mostly thanks to my large lady lumps, but the cold from the ACs at work just make it so hard to wear normal clothes. I rush the rest of my dressing and rush out of the house; I am already late for work. When I get outside, there is a black sports car parked in front of my house. I smile to myself and say a short prayer to God to preserve me. It’s seven more months of saving for me, and then my Lagos Island Boutique business can start. I should be able to get a car in a year or two.

The car honks at me – at least I think it is at me – and I ignore it. All these Bariga small boys; they make a little money, and suddenly start thinking the girls should trail after them in a long line. I start walking briskly towards the closest bus stop and the car drives after me; the driver letting me know that he won’t stop until I stop. After about three minutes of the unnecessary play, I stop and bend to give the driver a serious beat down with my words, but then I come in contact with Wale’s face.

My shock is obvious on my face, and he laughs at my reaction.
“How…….?” I start
“Did I find your place?” he finishes “I have my ways; I am capable of awesomeness too you know.” He finishes and motions for me to get into the car. After sitting and fastening my seat belt, I turn to face him
“Tell me how.” I say
“No” he replies
“Tell meeee”
“Nope” he replies again
“Nooooo” he says and starts laughing.
“Fine, just tell me who gave you my house address.” I plead
“Okay. Promise not to ask anymore?” he asks and I nod “I asked my personal aide to find this place and get me a car, so I could come pick you up as a surprise this morning.” He says; and he sounds so serious. I can’t help it, I start laughing.

“This man” I say “Stop all this lying.” He raises his brows at me, and shrugs. It suddenly becomes clear to me what really happened, and so I ask him “Did Lekan ask you to come get me?”
He doesn’t answer me for about 10 seconds, and when he finally answers, he sounds so cold and I start trying to figure out what I did to piss him off.
“Did I do anything wrong?” I ask him
“No.” he says again, so cold I want to shiver.
“What’s wrong?” I ask
“Nothing.” He says and turns to face the road. He doesn’t look at me all the way to the office, and even when we get there; he is still maintaining his stoic façade. I get out, and decide to wait for him upstairs so we can talk properly.



I wait for her to disappear through the office door before slamming my palm into the steering wheel. I can’t believe this girl thinks Lekan sent me to pick her from home. I even told her the truth, and she laughed in my face, like she couldn’t believe I was capable of controlling wealth or something. Not to brag, but I have enough to live on for the rest of my life, even if I decide not to lift a finger; I have stocks and shares and all forms of wealth buried round the world. But this small girl thinks I’m some poor irrelevant person?

“Whoa. Calm down” I say to myself when I realize how much this is getting to me. I realize I’m feeling this way because I want her to see me in a certain light; not as an incompetent assistant, but as a hardworking young man full of ambition, and capable of providing for and protecting her at all times. I want her to be pleasantly surprised in the end, when she finally finds out who I really am. Thinking about surprises suddenly makes me jolt as I remember all the surprising “romance-y” stuff waiting for Kim on her desk.

I rush out of the car and race up the stairs, hoping like other days, she is too preoccupied to notice all the random stuff on, under and generally around her desk.

No such luck.

When I get in to the office, she is sitting at her desk holding the jacket over the huge shopping bag where everything else is. I got the jacket, because I realized she wasn’t fat; she was just really busty, and she wore the huge shapeless cardigans because she was cold and she didn’t want to look “un-tush” by admitting she was always cold in the office. The jacket suited the office’s relaxed dress code, but still looked fancy enough to be worn to board meetings and other official events. I shrug and decide to confess everything to her since she found the gifts anyway, but her next words stop me.

“Oh my God! See what Lekan got me.” She can barely contain her excitement
“Lekan?” I ask, clearing the surprised hoarseness out of my throat.
“Yes!” she shouts “And me, I was starting to think he doesn’t even know I exist these days.” She says in an aside to herself.
“How do you know it’s Lekan?” I ask her
“See these notes?” she says and points at all the sticky notes lined up on her desk – I attached them to different places in her corner to give her clues to where I hid the gifts. I nod “What about them?” I ask
“This is Lekan’s thing. He leaves me notes like this all the time.” She continues examining the gifts, while I just watch her. I leave notes for everyone, including Lekan. I have always done that, so he picked up the habit. I smile to myself and walk away. I can’t explain the way I feel right now; it’s like immense anger mixed with rage. I don’t know why she thinks Lekan is the one that would do those things for her.

By the time I realize where I’m going, I already starting my car. I decide to go with the flow and just drive. A phone chirps somewhere around me, but I ignore it; I’m not in the mood. It keeps chirping until I stop the car and start searching for it. I finally find it under my seat; it’s Lekan’s phone. He must have forgotten it when he was test driving the car. I look at the screen; he has a lot of missed calls. The phone chirps again, and I see “Message from Kim Ogunfeso” with a heart in front of the name.
I open the messages and read them, and immediately realize I shouldn’t have. I start the car again and continue driving, wondering to myself what exactly it is I am doing.

How to woo a lady: first, let her know you are wooing her.



Independent—Episode 9: The Devil You Know
Independent—Episode 7: Hiding My Heart Away

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