Feels like a safe bet to assume no one is having the best sex of their life in college. A lot of sex? Sure, maybe.
But it’s extremely difficult to have mind-blowing sex in a twin size bunk bed, and it’s even more difficult to have mind-blowing sex with a 21-year-old guy who hasn’t yet quite figured out where a clitoris is. Thankfully, men learn. But just in case they need a little extra push, here are 12 sex things guys should never do after graduating.
1. Sixty-nining. The phrase “give it the old college try!” was coined for 69ing. As in, try it once, maybe three times, and then never again.
2. Fingering like they’re playing whack-a-mole with your vagina. Nothing makes a woman feel sexier than when a guy is rapidly thrusting his fingers at her vagina as “foreplay.” Truly this should never happen at any age. But some bad habits take time to kick.
3. Keeping one (1) blanket on the bed. That one fleece throw blanket from Target is the unofficial sponsor of every single college dorm room. And for guys, it’s often the sole piece of fabric occupying the top of a bed. This is hardly acceptable in college, when everyone is extremely broke and busy. But it’s 100 percent unacceptable in adulthood. There should be at least three things covering a mattress: A fitted sheet, and two blankets.
4. Cursory oral sex. Don’t initiate oral if your heart isn’t in it. (Girls can tell)
5. Asking “did you finish?” 18 times. The best sex allows you to think about literally nothing for the duration. Asking things like “ARE YOU CLOSE” or “DID YOU FINISH” makes that impossibe. (Satisfy her, she’d let you know)
6. Rushing through foreplay, in general.Foreplay isn’t some sad overture to the penetrative sex. It’s part of the whole sex experience. Internalize this lesson.
7. Expecting to do it more than once at a time. In college, when no one has anything real to do, it’s not unreasonable to spend an entire afternoon blowing off classes to have sex. This isn’t the case post-grad, when there are other important things to do, like errands or watch TV until your brain leaks out of your ears.
8. Any position that has to be studied in a book before trying it. So you saw a book of wild and crazy sex positions at a used book store when you should’ve been buying novels for your American literature class and figured, what the heck! Throw it away when you graduate. None of those fancy positions were worth the #2000 Naira you spent on the book, and you know it.
9. Playing music. Turn that shit off. Even if you have roommates. No. Music. During. Sex. Ever. Period. (Girls like to hear that sound of pleasure coming from you).
10. Laying there like a limp fish while their partner does all the work. You can be lazy the entire rest of your day, but you don’t get to be lazy during sex. Not all of the time.
11. Saying, “I just don’t like the way condoms feel.” This isn’t acceptable in college but everyone is an idiot in college, so we let it slide. It ends with the beginning of grownup life.
12. Jackhammering. Any sex act that can be compared to power tools is bad. (She aunaisome form of wood work).